I’ve been single now for a little over 2 years. After the whole, sell the home, find somewhere to live while downsizing a shared life was over I came to realise that I actually enjoyed having folks call to MY home. A friend dropping by for coffee is not an inconvenience, in fact it alot of times is a welcomed distraction. Before I had been so programmed to the ‘drama’ it would create will an unscheduled visit from someone, that would interrupt my exes TV schedule, or mean she might have to socialise with someone she wouldn’t normally have chosen to socialise with.
I found myself having an internal eyeroll and shake of the head, when I thought of the hoops I’d allow myself to be pushed through. They had became an automatic response. I had any amount of instant excuses on stand and I never thought they would actually be something I would have to consciously work at silencing, or just ignoring.
I am very fortunate, that I have been able to rekindle alot of friendships and I am blessed that our conversations revolve around such important issues as to were we should go for coffee or when the next Season of Game Of Thrones starts!
It would seem my relationship status whether in real life or on Facebook has become a new topic now my friends feel the obligatory time period has passed. I find this strange as it hasn’t been in the fore front of my mind at all (grins) I have been managing a coffee schedule, a new puppy, doggy daycare etc etc Spending any romantic time with another human seems complicated and filled with potholes and hidden traps.
Would they like my dogs? My tortoises? Yeah life altering, deep questions! I am very content with my own company and that or my beasties. I will admit to surprising myself with the second glance at someone and remembering I didn’t have any reason to feel guilty about this. Twenty Six years in a relationship was habit forming and would take a little getting used to.
Recently though, I am less concerned about feeling guilty and more worried that I will slip into old habits. An ex from a VERY long time ago has made contact on Instagram. We split before Facebook, Thank God, as I swore I would never want to ‘add’ her as I didn’t need or want the hurt that might go with seeing her new significant other etc etc
In the little hours of the morning I have found myself stalking her instagram, or feverishly checking mine. To the extent it pissed me off so much I deleted the damn app. This lasted a couple of months, I decided I was a big girl and would add it back with less fervour to want to stalk her. Strangely she started liking a few posts of mine and I became aware how this was creating ghost picture perfect recollections of the time we had together. I have subsequently reminded myself of the more unpleasant times and normal service as resumed. I pause here to laugh because twenty minutes ago I just checked it!!!! For any posts not just hers I feel I should add.
I don’t know if she’s single, or anything else and truthfully I don’t care to, but it surprised me how easily I would sway towards something familiar. I ADORE having my own place, freedom and lack of drama or even accountability. That might all change but for now it’s something I am revelling in. The lightning bolt of her contact out of the blue took me unawares and I am so pleased it was through an app and not in person as my reserves may not have been so stalwart.
I’ve changed, what I want has changed and what I will settle for has truthfully gone 360 degrees. So much so that some friends believe my outlook unrecognisable from a few years ago, all in a good way. The last thing I want or need is someone or something that is familiar or I remember with Rose coloured glasses to upset the very content albeit puppy ravaged life I have.
SOOOO what have I decided?
To window shop when someone catches my eye is free and for the moment browsing is all I am interested in. That might change tomorrow or next week or the month after but for now I’m all set. The rose coloured glasses or ‘Oakley shades’ that I remember her with (excluding anything negative) is just that, a powerful, emotive memory that I will and do allow myself an indulgence of occasionally but not a path I want to repave or start to recreate.
Bizarrely I don’t feel any wiser for these realizations or that I have somehow gained some age related profound way of thinking. Just the opposite, I’m waking not knowing or wanting to know what the day might bring, outside of coffee plans and I’m good with that.
Would I change anything?
Only the part of Hogwarts slippers my new puppy is currently happily chewing. Everything else has made and moulded me into who I am today. Memories of my ex or exes are just that, memories. Just like the unfortunate memory of throwing up on your 7th Birthday party or the welcome memory of our last trip together they will always be with me.
Whether or not I chose to berate myself with them or welcome their lessons like an old familiar tune remains to be seen.