Decisions, Decisions, & More Decisions

Sooooo, it’s been quite the while since I have posted. In this time I have discovered

  • Good fences, make good neighbours
  • Vacuuming stairs is exhausting and redundant with 4 hairy beasts in the house
  • People are more interested in deciphering my past, than meeting me in the present.
  • The goat that currently resides at the bottom of my garden, is a great listener, when her ears are scratched, or if I have stale bread to feed her (She’s not mine)
  • I shouldn’t do my grocery shopping online last thing at night when I’m tired, or I could end up with 27 packets of crackers and 32 kitchen rolls (I kid you not!)
  • The elderly neighbour who has complained about barking, hates everything, everyone and everything. Truly sad existence
  • Teenagers eat copious amounts of cookies while hanging out at your house, they also expect the supplies to be replenished to enable this cycle to continue unimpeded.
  • I LOVE the peace and quiet of NOT hearing a TV. My TV is now my computer monitor and the envy of most of my visitors.
  • Most important of all, that I’m doing ok.

They saying moving house is one of the most stressful things you can do, and they sure weren’t lying. The amount of crap I had packed in boxes that I have no need for, no use for was truly overwhelming. I believe I meet the criteria for pat rat, possibly heading towards an intervention as a hoarder.

Most of my tasks have been taken care off, unpacking clothes, ordering new appliances etc I just have to finish emptying boxes and wait impatiently for the arrival of my recliner. This recliner is my on indulgence. Not a car, not jewellery, not clothes, but an electric Lazy Boy recliner. Any visitors to my home will understand this is my throne from where I will rule my modest kingdom, I don’t anticipate sharing this chair, as with great power, comes great responsibility. *Pauses for dramatic music crescendo*

I’ve become quite the house ‘butch’ cleaning, washing, dusting etc all done to a schedule that I don’t like to have interrupted. My family are still somewhat shell shocked to see that I have coped, kept house, fed myself and my hairy beasts and not managed to burn the house down or poison my dogs or the goat! This pisses me off as well as pleases me. On low days I wonder if they thought I lived under a bridge with the Trolls? and on good days I am happy to endure their friendly banter.

So far so good eh? For the most part 99% of the time it is. I’ve been here almost 3 months, and I’m starting to exchange friendly conversations with the neighbours, I’m the cool one that always has ice lollies or randomly finds a football that I can’t use when their Grand kids call to visit with them. You’re sensing a ‘but’, yup it’s coming…….sighs. My ex every 2-3 weeks will send a random text asking to visit the dogs. She is pleasant, respectful and I have no issue with her seeing them, I have only one stipulation. Dum Dum Dummmmm that she will never set foot in my home. Initially I thought this was selfish but I have come to realise this is what I need to take care of me. My new place is mine and the hairy monsters and anyone invited into my home is welcomed and valued and someone I want to spend time with. Unfortunately she no longer is any of these things. So I take the hairy beasts to my Dads enclosed garden and she gets to visit with them. I have never once to date, refused to let her see them or not worked it around her schedule. The view I took was, ‘what if it were me?’ and I wasn’t going to bed with them them curled around me or, a wet nose nudging my hand to hurry up and get outta bed suddenly stopped, how would I feel? Answer:DEVASTATED
Seems simple so far, yeah I agree, but now we are coming into Fall. The weather is changing, very soon having a visit outside will be impossible due to weather and I won’t move on her being in my home. So what do I do?

I have friends telling me to just tell her to go to Hell and stop her seeing them. I have other friends telling me that she never bothered with them when she seem them everyday so it’ll be no big loos to her……. I could go on and on sharing folks views, truth is I didn’t dwell on it too much. I thought she would get bored or distracted with seeing them and to an extent she has, the time periods between her visits are getting longer and longer. She has made some noises abut when she gets settled in her new place, having them overnight (Yeah, NO). Then BOOM, I get a text, see her name and assume its another visit with the dogs, OH NO, not this time. This time its a cryptic ‘I’ve left an envelope for you at your Dads. Of course I had to go see what it contained and lo and behold it’s money, which is half the current book price of the car we had, half the price of the last repair I paid for and £50 which she had itemised to help with dog food and licenses. All very civilised right? Wrong, also enclosed was a little hand written note telling me that I obviously don’t care about her feelings and that’s only to be expected but it really upsets her seeing and leaving the dogs, and that she doesn’t want to cause them or her unnecessary upset. She goes on to thank me for letting her see the dogs. I am standing looking at this white, lines piece of paper, reading and rereading it. I must have read that note a hundred different ways. Different inflections in my tone, breaking down the sentence structure. I stuffed it back in the envelope with the money determined to tell her to shove the whole lot where the sun doesn’t shine. It wasn’t my finest hour.

So for the next few days and nights, this damn piece of paper wove itself into my thoughts. I swung between pissed to apathy and everything in between.
So I don’t care about her feelings? I have done nothing but accomodate her visiting them, I am polite when she is there but I don’t want to talk about anything other than the weather. I chose to not hear about what she’s doing and I make a point of not sharing anything personal with her. While it might seem a little tense, it’s civil and at least the dogs get to explore the garden without their leashes. If I didn’t care about her feelings, I wouldn’t let her see the dogs. I would have started proceedings to sue her for half the debt she has left me with. I don’t have any interest in what she’s doing, where or with whom. We are no longer together and our relationship didn’t have any offspring of the human variety, so I don’t need to see her and I don’t need to let her see the dogs. Honestly right now if I could chose to never run into her again or have to take the dogs to ‘visit’ I’d be ok with that. I honestly thought I would find a void without her in my life, the truth is I haven’t. This sounds harsh but it is the truth. Am I being a bitch, honestly I think everyone will have varying views on this subject.

So what’s next? What do I do with the money? I wish I had an all knowing, all wise guru to give me the answer. Alas they seem to be in short supply. Should I just give her back the £50 she allocated for the dogs?, that way she can’t say she maintains them and has a ‘obligation’ or ‘right’ to see them. I know this would hurt her and no doubt she and her circle of friends would read into this, I wouldn’t do it simply to hurt her, I just need her to know that I am responsible now for these hairy brutes, and that her token £50 is not anything I want or need. As for the rest of it I run between giving it all back to her, or spending it on something ridiculous. Maybe I should donate it to an animal shelter. I just don’t want that envelope with money in my house or anywhere near me. It’s been almost 3 weeks since she’s texted and I know she will be in contact in the near future. So the clock is ticking on any decision I make. Do I use a magic 8 Ball?, try and find a crystal ball? or a helpful Gypsy?

Decisions, decisions. The last thing I have discovered? It sucks to be an adult!.
For now I enjoy the little things, and I wait for the next adult decision. There isn’t a manual or self help guide for this, what I do know is that life is far to short and wonderful to waste worrying about the impending doom of a text message or hastily scribbled note.


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Filed under March 2013

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