Monthly Archives: March 2013

How Do You Score In Bed ?

Anyone with furkids, be it dogs or cats understands the bed rule.
BED RULE:- 1st in gets the best spot, move you lose it

Normally I have no issue with this, I like to think my pack of 4 legged furry people see me as ‘Alpha’ (YEAH RIGHT! I laughed as I typed that too!) So I kinda think I do ok………. what I didn’t factor in was the mutiny when ‘Our’ bed had an additional human added. Anyone who tells you that dogs don’t have strategy, planning meetings are so very, VERY wrong.

Cuddle   Simple task, cuddling in bed with my beautiful Femme, while watching a Movie, she left to refill the popcorn bowl and returned to a siege of the pace she had previously occupied. This was not going to pretty nor indeed was there any potential outcome where I wasn’t going to piss of one of the warring factions. 

Quickly shooing my lil guys away, invited her back to lay against me, head on my chest to resume the Movie, sighs or so I thought. The little buggers decided to play to their strengths, Cuteness, and crept, crawled and nuzzled up to my sweet Lady, just as I was about to offer a word of caution, it was too late! She adjusted to offer a scratch to a pair of goofy ears, when suddenly 3 dogs jumped over her and into the inch gap she had inadvertently left between us……. Round 1 to all those with tails.

Again I chased all furry butts to the floor, and with my sternest look, while trying not to grin at their puzzle looks. The whole time I’m thinking ‘Movie date Night’ is not shaping up as I had hoped. So the movie moved on, everyone settled and I decided that nibbling on my Babys neck seemed like such a sweet and indeed great idea, and much to my relief she thought so too.  She let a little mew escape her lips, and my heart stopped. Dead. Normally this would drive me on knowing I had found a ‘sweet spot’, but I knew what was going to happen, and they didn’t let me down. 
It started with a low rumble and grew to a high pitched yodel from my smallest pooch. I had made the mistake of encouraging her to talk, and in her mind this mew, was the only encouragement she needed. Within seconds there was a triumphant, rousing howling chorus that any of the Angels would have been impressed with, my Angel alas was not so impressed and my plans for the rest of the evening where slipping like her satin teddy out of my fingers rapidly.

I jumped up, apologizing and corralling furry butts out of the room. I whispered through clenched teeth, ‘C’mon guys cut me a little slack, you know this is your fault I gotta put up the doggy gate’. those pleading eyes looking at me from behind the gate and I faltered for a millisecond, long enough to steal a glance at my Baby who was helping herself out of her clothes and into one of my discarded shirts. Sorry guys, no contest. I made a mental note to take them on a longer walk when the blood returned to my head again.

Blood loss to your brain they tell me, can be euphoric and indeed a little disorientating….which is why I am choosing to believe that the vision I saw when I had stretched myself over my beautiful femme was in fact a hallucination……… Otherwise the scorecards that my dogs where holding up to rate my performance where surely going to take some explaining……

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What’s UNDER Your Jeans?

It’s a typical morning, I’m making breakfast, Ipod blaring and I am busting my normal ultra cool moves (Disclaimer Ultra cool in MY head), it occurred to me, ‘Underwear”

Yes I was wearing some, no I wasn’t developing a new fetish, I had caught sight of my reflection in the Microwave as I strutted by and found myself grinning at what I believe are very cool boxers…….. white socks, white t-shirt and Yoda Boxers, yes I said Yoda. I simultaneously had accommodated my Mothers wishes,  in that should the refrigerator attack me and I where rushed to hospital, everything I was wearing was in deed sparkling clean, while still embracing my geeky-rebel side with my little homage to a 2ft green Jedi Master. Yoda

While waiting for my eggs, I mentally ran through my underwear drawer, which started at the plain boxers with pawprints on them, moving to my cartoon characters collection, Sci-Fi insignias, Harry Potter, Superhero themed, right up to Big Dog shorts. As wide as my grin was and as much as I strutted around the kitchen I started to wonder,
‘What would a potential mate think?’
Would she be suitably impressed in my crisp creases and fresh aroma, or would she be worried that she was about to share an intimate moment with someone wearing strange boxers and white socks albeit with ‘Green Lantern’ logos on them.

At this point In hear resounding shouts of
‘Be Yourself!’, ‘She wants you not your wardrobe choice’
This I understand, truly but, yes there’s a but all my fellow Butches will nod knowingly as they read this. You spend your time making sure you look good, neat, tidy and your pant legs aren’t too long, your laces don’t hang low, your belt is centered, your wallet secured in you back hip pocket, as well as your shirt being tucked in, while still allowing you to move your arms and holding the crease in the front, PHEW we work hard as well (*Ducks playful swat from any Femme still reading) All this work could be undone by one badly timed reveal of your favourite  Superman Boxers, or Heaven forbid you wore the bloody boxers your ex bought

that says ‘THE LEGEND’ and points to your crotch!

*Mental note to self , trash those.

batcave
I understand you would hope any Femme by this stage would be more interested as to whats in your Boxers, but you cant help but wonder would this make even the fiercest Femme falter?

So I sit here in my Marvin the Martian Boxers, and Fantastic 4 t-shirt I beg the indulgence of the Fiercest Femmes for their input, their thoughts my seal the fate of my continuing underwear trend.

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Shake Or Sniff first?

I arrived this morning at my local vets Practice, I even had left enough time to walk my Lil guy just in case the urge to display his manliness overtook him while in the waiting room and he decided to pee again for all to see, he doesn’t seem to care that us humans frown on public urination…… I guess its a dude thing.

We were initially alone in the waiting room, and he was strutting his terrier finest with the  Nurses, I couldn’t help but square my shoulders a lil more and smile at the attention he was receiving and in return so was I (Hey, I’m honest not blind and there’s something about a woman in uniform lol)

This is where my Grandmothers words would ring true,
‘Pride cometh before a fall’
My street credibility was about to nose dive, leaving my Butch swagger in tatters. The door opened and a cute blonde Lab pup sashayed into the room. In true cartoon fashion, my lil guys eyes popped out of his head and it was love at first sight….. Love as in flipping this vision of puppy beauty over onto her back and with adept swiftness, proceed to initially sniff her now exposed genitalia, then that noise. Oh that unique noise,  known to all, spoke of by none THE SLURP……… hangs head

I’m dragging my little guy backwards, wow, who knew how long a dogs tongue really was. He scratching the floor, the not so prude pup is laying on her back, legs spread, her owners and their kids are frozen in abject horror. I was never so happy to have the Vet appear and call our turn, lifting my lil guy, I tried to beat a hasty retreat while apologizing profusely and trying to cover up his throbbing erection, again must be a dude thing. Lol

SO, it occurred to me, if they had shook paws would they have learnt as much about each other? or in deed would she have ended up violated in such a way? Dogs meet and greet by smeling each others butts, then postulating in front of each other, kinda like any gay bar on a friday night, albeit minus the butt sniffing.

If you follow this thought process further the  information dogs glean within 2 sniffs, would normally cost you at least 3 or 4 drinks and a hour or so of your time all in the hope that you might have found an intelligent individual, and not a high maintenance pillow princess or an axe murderer! 

Maybe dogs have the inside track and shaking hands is a redundant form of fact finding communication, I just cant imagine not being punched if I leant over and sniffed an attractive Femmes butt!

Sniff

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Is My Cats Penis Barbed?

Strangely, I couldn’t even type that without both grinning and winching at the same time. Sighs, I wish it had been a rhetorical question, but no …… as I am receiving my Vitamin B injection, my nurse blurts out,
“My cat has a barbed Penis”

My initial reaction was
“Excuse me?”, quickly followed with a quick mental calculation of the amount of energy I would require to jump outta the chair, throw open the locked door all while stifling what I KNEW could only sound like a screeching feline.
After a deep breath and  mental image of my escape routine vanishing before my eyes, I succumbed and managed,
“Is he one of a kind?”, while quietly praying she would be paged or called away.
It would seem all  lil guy cats have a barb similar to a fishing hook, which when inserted in the object of his affection, causes her to ovulate, apparently to aid in conception……. By now if you eyes haven’t imploded or spun violently around in your head the worst is to come (poor pun, I apologize).
The well meaning nurse rounded off her impromptu cats and bees conversation with,
“You know that’s why they make that horrendous noise when they’re mating, no one knows if it’s orgasmic joy or incredible pain!!!!!!!”

The best I could manage was,
“Wow!, Really?”, as I beat a hasty retreat. The drive home was a blur and every cute, adorable, fluffy lil kitten that I subsequently encountered on my Facebook Wall left me feeling that I should campaign to warn all the poor, innocent, unknowing little kittens of their impending barbarous adult
encounters!!!!!
I feel another shower is due, I feel dirty and not in a good way…. I only wanted a bloody injection, not to be scarred for life!!

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Nurses, jags and Needles!

B12, aaah ! Ok, feeling better now, in a few hours I go to have a B12 jag/shot. It actually isnt painful, more annoying how everytime its a new nurse they want to make sure you arent dizzy and wont faint and of course need to stay in their lil room for 20 mins, sighs……. this does nothing for my ego, but at least I get 20 mins of catching up on whatever has caught my attention on my Kindle. Last month, the poor nurse, he walked into the table and actually hit his head on the storage cabinet when in answer to his question of
‘What ya reading?’
I casually answered, ‘The Mammoth Book Of Lesbian Erotica’
Since he now had a head injury, I asked him if he would like to sit down if he was feeling faint…..It seemed the only right thing to do :0)

Dizzy Nurse

Dizzy Nurse

 

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Filed under March 2013