……but What if ?

It’s funny how 2.30am seems to be ‘My Time’. Most other folks are asleep, there’s very little traffic noise and I love the peacefulness.
I’m sure most people would wonder what you could possibly do at this time? Truly the answer is everything. I never seem to get projects finished, or started. My email inbox I think has a few thousand emails, the floor needs swept, kitchen could do with a tidy and I want to watch a tutorial video on YouTube! Decisions, Decisions!

Tomorrow at 9am I have an appointment with my Counsellor who is helping with my PTSD.
Sidenote PTSD from a crazy hallucinatory reaction to pain morphine in Hospital

Normally the appointments don’t really doesn’t cause me sleepless nights, truth be told I know they are a necessary means to learn how to manage how it affects my reactions to everyday things. Tonight it fills me with dread, I truly feel as if theres a tonne weight in the pit of my stomach.

Why?

My fear since the first PTSD episode is that I will lose my temper, and either verbally attack someone or physically attack someone causing them harm. To date I have only ever once felt that I was out of control and was verbally agressive to someone. I hate that it’s even happened once.

Until now.

I have no rhyme, reason or excuse for my recent reaction to a lively conversation I was having with a friend via Skype. She to my mind simply refused to listen or follow logic and in the moment decided I was responsible for her always being wrong……… you can imagine how that all went. Normally I smile and nod, and say, ‘Ok, as long as that makes you happy, we’re all set’
This time for some reason I refused to take the highroad. I was ready to engage in verbal warfare. I can catergorically say there WAS NOT a ‘red mist’ event, as I was perfectly calm, but my frustration grew as she didn’t remain calm, or logical. Instead it escalated into her deciding she was upset and telling me to go ‘F*ck Myself’

The words had no sooner left her lips, when I had changed gear and was in decimate mode. I never swore, I never raised my voice but I raised hell. I was the argumentative Bugger you cannot get any sense from.  The asshole who you knew was going to have to win no matter what it took. I never insulted her, called her names or expressed how upset I was. Instead I fought back with cold, calm, logic and passive aggressive rhetoric.

‘You tell me to go Fuck myself?
Have I ever spoken to you like that?
So you care about me, but you would speak to me this way?
Is this how you treat everyone you care about?
It is?
So that makes it ok? etc etc you can just imagine how it went, spinning further and further into the depths of an ever widening, bottomless chasm. The exchange must have went on for a good 30 minutes, ending in her silence and I needing to let the pups out for a bathroom break.

WRONG
I walked calmly into my own bathroom, and instantly was so overwhelmed with pure fury and hate that like an asshole I punched a concrete wall as hard as I could.  I should preface this with ‘Yes it was an idiot thing to do’
In that millisecond or few seconds I was incensed with raging frustration that she even though admitting she was wrong,  she told me I should like it or lump it, that I knew what I was getting into with our friendship.
What the hell does that even mean? For the first time I genuinely experienced feeling unsafe. Here I’ll explain, my Counsellor has meade reference to this in our past sessions. I thought she was over exaggarating, NOPE! She was right on the money! I felt unsafe for mutiple reasons.
Would I hurt my pups ?( I could never)
Would I hurt me by doing something stupid?
Would I leave my home and go looking for trouble to get into?
Would I drive my car and hurt someone else?
Would I destroy something I valued?
Would I say something I would regret?
Would my words hurt?

This list could go on and on at this stage cognitive thought had taken a vacation and I was in full 2 year old tantrum mode. At the time I will admit it felt more like going 10 rounds with Tyson!
My mind is thundering down a speedrail that I can’t stop, adrenalin is egging my fury on. As of yet I hadn’t felt any pain in my fist from the wall I punched. Normally in the past this would derail the speeding jauggernaut, adrenalin thou art a heartless bitch.
This must have been the crisis or the crash she had talked about, I felt unsafe and to be honest a little bit outta control and for a control freak that wasn’t the most pleasant of places to be. In my frustration I punched the wall again, this time it punched back………

My fist felt as if it was on fire, worst of all I knew the pain would slowly start to register with my brain and there was also a very good chance I just busted a knuckle or two. The pain arrived, and my fury ebbed away to be replaced with silent internal screaming as I fought back the tears that were now stinging my eyes. I’m trying to slow my breathing, and avoid gasping for air like a landlocked fish. It felt as if hours were passing, truthfully it could only have been minutes. My fist, hand, and arm hurt beyond my vocabulary to describe. I felt like an absolute idiot for giving into the raging fury, here I remember chuckling thinking how intoxicating it had felt as well as feeling wrong. I was devastated I had for what seemed like no particularly good reason had lost my temper. Adrenalin was still licking around my body like flamed tongues. My hand by now is doubling in size, the throbbing was bouncing, and I wanna crawl into a ball, pass out and wake up after all these emotions and flashbacks were spent. Yeah! That’ll work.

Grown woman, broken knuckles, I hadn’t hurt anyone except me but all I could think about was the what if? What if? What if?  question-mark.jpg
I felt a little wet nose nuzzle into my hand, my madcap puppy had came to check I was all good. I dread that I will ever see fear in hers or any humans eyes that I have caused. She crawled into my lap, chewed affectionately on my ear as if to let me know, it’s going to be ok, we’re going to make it. I had images in my mind of tantrums thrown by my Great Neice and how my family revell in telling me how that was how I was. What would they think now?
What would any sane person think?

So my dread is that I get to confess my loss of control. I get to shamefully admit I’ve been to embarassed to go have my hand xrayed and how if any of my friends had asked what was wrong with it I had lied and told them I had fell.
I know this is a process I have to talk through to get through. I know with my Counsellor it is a safe place and a place without judgement but What if?

I know I didnt hurt or injure anyone but me, but I feel like such a shameful failure. This is a label I give myself. I just can’t shake it. I’m hoping tomorrow my tears stay away. I don’t think crying is weak, unfortunately in my past it’s just not something that was ever allowed or safe to do. I would love to miss my appointment, but I know it would further hurt me and allow my spinning thoughts to pull me into a spiral.

………but What if?????

 

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Filed under 2018

Drunk Dialling Instant Cure?

It’s 3.30am and I revel in the silence. I indulge myself with  catching up on Youtube videos and enjoy the lack of mental engagement required. Then a little window pops up to tell me someone has sent me a message.
My friend who is an ‘internet’ friend has decided shes unimpressed she just had her happy b50th Birthday. Age has never annoyed or upset me and I offer her uplifting words and listen to her fears. Bizarrely her conversation takes a turn that leaves me starting to feel uncomfortable. She’s decided her girlfriend, doesn’t understand her and takes advantage of her job. She goes on to tell me how she was always envy of anyone I was friendly with or flirted with………..

At this stage, my peaceful silence is shattered with overwhelming booming warning sirens. This conversation not only could ruin a friendship but also affect her current relationship. I tell her how flattered I was etc etc but for me right now I’m contentwarn being single. I’m telling her how amazing her partner is, how lucky they are, and honestly I’m scrambling to find a way to get offline.

She’s had a few glasses of wine, and it has definately gave her false bravado. She and I would never have been a couple, I see her as a friend, albeit a little high maintenance friend but I’m doing  my best not to be an asshole and hurt her feelings. I found it beyond uncomfortable and was truly so relieved when I convinced her to go to bed.

I was polite and respectful throughout our conversation, finally she went to snooze and dream off a better start to her 50th year. Maybe I should have been flattered, instead I was concerned for her while being pissed that she could put me in the middle of her relationship. Whether it was good or bad I didn’t need to be anyone’s ‘other woman’ or excuse to leave a bad or toxic relationship.

If I had met this particular friend in a bar or club would we have hit it off? Or even noticed each other? Probably not.
I truly feel sorry that shes struggling with turning 50 and has bypassed her partner to vent her upset. Normally this would not bother me at all, I’m happy to listen, pass tissues, buy comfort food, whatever it takes BUT when she crossed over into flirting and complimenting me that all that went out the window! I know it’s the alcohol talking, and I just wanted her to shush, to fall asleep and not upset her partner or say something that would affect their relationship or our friendship. They say no one is as truthful as a child or someone drunk…..

No matter how polite or respectful I was, you know that Hell hath no fury, so my hope is she will wake with nothing more than a headache and little or no memory of her online antics. Suddenly seems very one sided how anyone can be innocent and try to console a friend and in the cold, hard light of day has to worry that their friend will be embarrassed and accuse them of all sorts of untrue things.

Can’t we just put it down to them being drunk and carry on as if nothing happened?

Or should I distance myself or remove her from my online friends? skyp

I realize this might seem extreme, but as I mentioned she is more than a little high maintenance and I fear this might spill into further drama…… Sighs

The first alcohol or pharmaceutical company that has a pill to take that stops your drunk calling, Skyping or facetiming anyone you shouldn’t when under the influence will be an overnight Success!!!

pill

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Filed under 2018

Puppy Birds And Bees

I’ve mentioned the Tasmanian Devil that owns me AKA the puppy before in previous blogs. Today she is no longer a puppy today at just over 10 months old she went into heat!! Here, I feel I should insert DUM DUM DUMMMMM, but I’ll leave the sound effects up to you.

Off she trotted to Doggy Daycare, with not so much as a backward tail wag at me, her tribe was calling and she had minions to rule. I spend the day doing grown up things like Laundry etc the real fun stuff NOTcare
I check in on Facebook, to see the Daycare updates and didn’t notice as many of my furry monster……Not to worry, she’s most likely busy doing dog things, to busy to stop for a photo op.

I collect her, the Owner and I exchange chit chat and then she mentions that the boys were very interested in my Puppy today. Truly at that statement I didn’t know if the inference was, my puppy is a slut or was it she was running a Doggy Daycare or ill repute?

It was only when my chaste puppy was handed to me and I happened to brush her lower carriage I realised HOLY CRAP!, the poor baby was rather swollen. After we both carry out some mortifying investigative examinations we see that she is indeed spotting. Then the owner sighs and tells me that would explain whys she was humping the Chocolate Labradors head!!! I am horrified!

I didn’t know whether to hug her, buy her ice cream or fill her a hot water bottle. I looked into her innocent eyes and I wanted to tell her this is the part of being female that no one enjoys but it’s a necessary evil. Somehow I didn’t think she was ready for the beesbirds and the bees talk. I make our hasty retreat, agreeing of course to keep her home while she has her ‘curse’
Driving home, I’m mulling over in my head what I wold make her for dinner to make her feel better, all while trying to remember if I ever got my heat pad back I had lent to a friend? My mind is racing thinking of how to make her next couple weeks more comfortable, THEN I had to pull the car over.

Don’t worry she was fine, I hadn’t hit anything or anyone. I fumbled at my sun visor which is my makeshift office filing system and grabbed her last vet bill. She had been the previous week with gastro issues that lets just say had both ends of her running, poor baby…… POOR BABY!! POOR BABY!!! That dumb ass vet told me the puppy was fine and had most likely eaten something she shouldn’t have…… NO SHE HADN’T
SHE HAD HER PERIOD!!! £60 bill later, it occurred to me how much easier it would have been to giver her a blanket, buy ice cream and copious amounts of comfort food all while letting her watch Animal Planet reruns.

Damn good thing she’s cute!

westie

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Filed under 2018

How Does This Adulting Work?

From my time on this rotating planet I have never had anything close to a good relationship with my Father. As a child he was never interested in us, unless it was to berate, humiliate or treat in a thousand other miserable ways.
To be perfectly truthful I don’t actually have any pleasant memories of him, but I can immediately bring to mind a dozen painful memories. He was always so embarassed
that his oldest child was a poof, a fag, queer, but hey we all have our crosses to bear, right?

Eight years ago, my Mom passed unexpectedly, and his world shattered around him. He hid in his bedroom when he was upset, tearful or just felt any other emotion other than anger. My siblings and I sorted the funeral, meeting people. We sorted her clothes into trash bags to take to the charity shop, he never even looked at any of them. Her jewellery and anything else she valued he told us to divide. He never even looked at anything, not jewellery, not picture not a damn thing.

Bizarrely for the next year I would be there every night to make his dinner when he came home. I always remembered older family members saying how hard it is to come home to an empty house or one without lights on. houseTime marches on and everyone muddles their way through. This was all new territory to us. So now eight years on we all muddle through. We can stand the occasional meals together and I have been assigned a new role of his medical / emotional needs. So if he’s feeling lonely I am meant to use a crystal ball and figure it out and then of course work out how to fix it. When he spends money on gifts that no one really knows what to do with or that aren’t of any use, I have to make it better, or tell them the response he’s looking for, kinda messed up eh?

Recently I got a new puppy. I am single, answer to no one but me so saying yes to a puppy was the new challenge I needed, I had just put to sleep one of my older dogs leaving me with a single dog, who I knew would not settledog being an only dog. It all seemed to happen at the right time for all the right reasons.
My Father is absolutely terrified of dogs, whether they’re 2 lbs or 100 lbs. Remember this little factoid.

Well this new puppy is 10 months old. Chews anything she decides might taste interesting. Loves to run at faster than a speeding bullet all while looking like she came out of the movie Gremlins. Lets just say, the mixture of breeds she is, has left her with a face only a Mother could love. She has established herself at Doggy Daycare and albeit she weighs 5 pound wet, she runs the pack. She is a pain in the butt for my older dog, but she also cuddles up to her. She is hell on 4 paws, she frustrates me, makes me laugh and loves me with her crooked grin. Why am I telling you about this whirling dervish? I tell you because my Father adores the ground her paws walk on. Ironic eh?

He could care less than I own an amazing, cute, talented older gal, who loves cuddles, loves chicken and adores the days the puppy is at Doggy daycare!
I hate he makes a difference. I know they aren’t kids, I understand that all to well but they are as important to me as kids, and I love them BOTH. I chose them for as long as they are on this earth alive they are mine.

Tonight, my Dear old Daddy wanted to watch a parade, but instead of just saying that. He decided that WE should watch the parade together as well as taking the puppy. After all it would be the best opportunity for her to experience it. I’ll pause here to allow the look of disbelief to leave your face.
Suddenly my mind is spinning………… DO I allow him to dictate?
What if the puppy freaks out from the noise or people?
What if my Father loses his temper at the puppy?
Setting aside the feeling of dread in my stomach at the idea of my Father being in my home or ‘safe space’

I knew I had no option but to let him plod along, thinking he was being the bigger man spending time with his gay Daughter, all for the good of this puppy. The entire time I felt as if I was riding a bull through a field of explosives. The puppy survived, the fistful of treats I had helped ease that process. It was all over in less than a hour, but sitting here now I feel as if I have ran a marathon. My dogs are both asleep and chasing rabbits in their field of dreams. I am sitting here 5am wondering what the hell just happened?
Did I take the path of least resistance? Or did I fold like a cheap poker hand?
I’m wondering if I react to this man as the scared child I once was or as the mature adult who knows he’s an old, lonely man who in some way is trying to be a better man?

The wounded part of my soul tells me to reinforce the walls. Not to see the glimmer of good or hope. The adult part of me, the Youth Leader part of me tells me to see what happens. Just see where it goes. Worse case scenario he’ll screw up, best case scenario he’ll surprise me and everyone else.
It’s now 5.16am and I don’t know the answer, perhaps I will never know the right path. I know as hard as it is not to collapse into quivering heap of jelly around him, I know the scars I carry from this man will keep my therapist in a job for life.

Tonight I will cuddle both my babies, and dream of a less complicated tomorrow. With less questions and more clarity. The sun is rising from his stupor and I hope I can find a little peace to find mine

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Filed under March 2013

Rose Coloured Oakley Shades

I’ve been single now for a little over 2 years. After the whole, sell the home, find somewhere to live while downsizing a shared life was over I came to realise that I actually enjoyed having folks call to MY home. for saleA friend dropping by for coffee is not an inconvenience, in fact it alot of times is a welcomed distraction. Before I had been so programmed to the ‘drama’ it would create will an unscheduled visit from someone, that would interrupt my exes TV schedule, or mean she might have to socialise with someone she wouldn’t normally have chosen to socialise with.
I found myself having an internal eyeroll and shake of the head, when I thought of the hoops I’d allow myself to be pushed through. They had became an automatic response. I had any amount of instant excuses on stand and I never thought they would actually be something I would have to consciously work at silencing, or just ignoring.

I am very fortunate, that I have been able to rekindle alot of friendships and I am blessed that our conversations revolve around such important issues as to were we should go for coffee or when the next Season of Game Of Thrones starts!coffee

It would seem my relationship status whether in real life or on Facebook has become a new topic now my friends feel the obligatory time period has passed. I find this strange as it hasn’t been in the fore front of my mind at all (grins) I have been managing a coffee schedule, a new puppy, doggy daycare etc etc Spending any romantic time with another human seems complicated and filled with potholes and hidden traps.
Would they like my dogs? My tortoises? Yeah life altering, deep questions! I am very content with my own company and that or my beasties. I will admit to surprising myself with the second glance at someone and remembering I didn’t have any reason to feel guilty about this. Twenty Six years in a relationship was habit forming and would take a little getting used to.

Recently though, I am less concerned about feeling guilty and more worried that I will slip into old habits. An ex from a VERY long time ago has made contact on Instagram. We split before Facebook, Thank God, as I swore I would never want to ‘add’ her as I didn’t need or want the hurt that might go with seeing her new significant other etc etc
instagram
In the little hours of the morning I have found myself stalking her instagram, or feverishly checking mine. To the extent it pissed me off so much I deleted the damn app. This lasted a couple of months, I decided I was a big girl and would add it back with less fervour to want to stalk her. Strangely she started liking a few posts of mine and I became aware how this was creating ghost picture perfect recollections of the time we had together. I have subsequently reminded myself of the more unpleasant times and normal service as resumed. I pause here to laugh because twenty minutes ago I just checked it!!!! For any posts not just hers I feel I should add.

I don’t know if she’s single, or anything else and truthfully I don’t care to, but it surprised me how easily I would sway towards something familiar. I ADORE having my own place, freedom and lack of drama or even accountability. That might all change but for now it’s something I am revelling in. The lightning bolt of her contact out of the blue took me unawares and I am so pleased it was through an app and not in person as my reserves may not have been so stalwart.

I’ve changed, what I want has changed and what I will settle for has truthfully gone 360 degrees. So much so that some friends believe my outlook unrecognisable from a few years ago, all in a good way. The last thing I want or need is someone or something that is familiar or I remember with Rose coloured glasses to upset the very content albeit puppy ravaged life I have.rose

SOOOO what have I decided? 
To window shop when someone catches my eye is free and for the moment browsing is all I am interested in. That might change tomorrow or next week or the month after but for now I’m all set. The rose coloured glasses or ‘Oakley shades’ that I remember her with (excluding anything negative) is just that, a powerful, emotive memory that I will and do allow myself an indulgence of occasionally but not a path I want to repave or start to recreate.

Bizarrely I don’t feel any wiser for these realizations or that I have somehow gained some age related profound way of thinking. Just the opposite, I’m waking not knowing or wanting to know what the day might bring, outside of coffee plans and I’m good with that.

Would I change anything?
Only the part of Hogwarts slippers my new puppy is currently happily chewing. Yellow Labrador Retriever pup, 8 weeks old, chewing a child's shoeEverything else has made and moulded me into who I am today. Memories of my ex or exes are just that, memories. Just like the unfortunate memory of throwing up on your 7th Birthday party or the welcome memory of our last trip together they will always be with me.

Whether or not I chose to berate myself with them or welcome their lessons like an old familiar tune remains to be seen.

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Filed under 2018

Decisions, Decisions, & More Decisions

Sooooo, it’s been quite the while since I have posted. In this time I have discovered

  • Good fences, make good neighbours
  • Vacuuming stairs is exhausting and redundant with 4 hairy beasts in the house
  • People are more interested in deciphering my past, than meeting me in the present.
  • The goat that currently resides at the bottom of my garden, is a great listener, when her ears are scratched, or if I have stale bread to feed her (She’s not mine)
  • I shouldn’t do my grocery shopping online last thing at night when I’m tired, or I could end up with 27 packets of crackers and 32 kitchen rolls (I kid you not!)
  • The elderly neighbour who has complained about barking, hates everything, everyone and everything. Truly sad existence
  • Teenagers eat copious amounts of cookies while hanging out at your house, they also expect the supplies to be replenished to enable this cycle to continue unimpeded.
  • I LOVE the peace and quiet of NOT hearing a TV. My TV is now my computer monitor and the envy of most of my visitors.
  • Most important of all, that I’m doing ok.

They saying moving house is one of the most stressful things you can do, and they sure weren’t lying. The amount of crap I had packed in boxes that I have no need for, no use for was truly overwhelming. I believe I meet the criteria for pat rat, possibly heading towards an intervention as a hoarder.

Most of my tasks have been taken care off, unpacking clothes, ordering new appliances etc I just have to finish emptying boxes and wait impatiently for the arrival of my recliner. This recliner is my on indulgence. Not a car, not jewellery, not clothes, but an electric Lazy Boy recliner. Any visitors to my home will understand this is my throne from where I will rule my modest kingdom, I don’t anticipate sharing this chair, as with great power, comes great responsibility. *Pauses for dramatic music crescendo*

I’ve become quite the house ‘butch’ cleaning, washing, dusting etc all done to a schedule that I don’t like to have interrupted. My family are still somewhat shell shocked to see that I have coped, kept house, fed myself and my hairy beasts and not managed to burn the house down or poison my dogs or the goat! This pisses me off as well as pleases me. On low days I wonder if they thought I lived under a bridge with the Trolls? and on good days I am happy to endure their friendly banter.

So far so good eh? For the most part 99% of the time it is. I’ve been here almost 3 months, and I’m starting to exchange friendly conversations with the neighbours, I’m the cool one that always has ice lollies or randomly finds a football that I can’t use when their Grand kids call to visit with them. You’re sensing a ‘but’, yup it’s coming…….sighs. My ex every 2-3 weeks will send a random text asking to visit the dogs. She is pleasant, respectful and I have no issue with her seeing them, I have only one stipulation. Dum Dum Dummmmm that she will never set foot in my home. Initially I thought this was selfish but I have come to realise this is what I need to take care of me. My new place is mine and the hairy monsters and anyone invited into my home is welcomed and valued and someone I want to spend time with. Unfortunately she no longer is any of these things. So I take the hairy beasts to my Dads enclosed garden and she gets to visit with them. I have never once to date, refused to let her see them or not worked it around her schedule. The view I took was, ‘what if it were me?’ and I wasn’t going to bed with them them curled around me or, a wet nose nudging my hand to hurry up and get outta bed suddenly stopped, how would I feel? Answer:DEVASTATED
Seems simple so far, yeah I agree, but now we are coming into Fall. The weather is changing, very soon having a visit outside will be impossible due to weather and I won’t move on her being in my home. So what do I do?

I have friends telling me to just tell her to go to Hell and stop her seeing them. I have other friends telling me that she never bothered with them when she seem them everyday so it’ll be no big loos to her……. I could go on and on sharing folks views, truth is I didn’t dwell on it too much. I thought she would get bored or distracted with seeing them and to an extent she has, the time periods between her visits are getting longer and longer. She has made some noises abut when she gets settled in her new place, having them overnight (Yeah, NO). Then BOOM, I get a text, see her name and assume its another visit with the dogs, OH NO, not this time. This time its a cryptic ‘I’ve left an envelope for you at your Dads. Of course I had to go see what it contained and lo and behold it’s money, which is half the current book price of the car we had, half the price of the last repair I paid for and £50 which she had itemised to help with dog food and licenses. All very civilised right? Wrong, also enclosed was a little hand written note telling me that I obviously don’t care about her feelings and that’s only to be expected but it really upsets her seeing and leaving the dogs, and that she doesn’t want to cause them or her unnecessary upset. She goes on to thank me for letting her see the dogs. I am standing looking at this white, lines piece of paper, reading and rereading it. I must have read that note a hundred different ways. Different inflections in my tone, breaking down the sentence structure. I stuffed it back in the envelope with the money determined to tell her to shove the whole lot where the sun doesn’t shine. It wasn’t my finest hour.

So for the next few days and nights, this damn piece of paper wove itself into my thoughts. I swung between pissed to apathy and everything in between.
So I don’t care about her feelings? I have done nothing but accomodate her visiting them, I am polite when she is there but I don’t want to talk about anything other than the weather. I chose to not hear about what she’s doing and I make a point of not sharing anything personal with her. While it might seem a little tense, it’s civil and at least the dogs get to explore the garden without their leashes. If I didn’t care about her feelings, I wouldn’t let her see the dogs. I would have started proceedings to sue her for half the debt she has left me with. I don’t have any interest in what she’s doing, where or with whom. We are no longer together and our relationship didn’t have any offspring of the human variety, so I don’t need to see her and I don’t need to let her see the dogs. Honestly right now if I could chose to never run into her again or have to take the dogs to ‘visit’ I’d be ok with that. I honestly thought I would find a void without her in my life, the truth is I haven’t. This sounds harsh but it is the truth. Am I being a bitch, honestly I think everyone will have varying views on this subject.

So what’s next? What do I do with the money? I wish I had an all knowing, all wise guru to give me the answer. Alas they seem to be in short supply. Should I just give her back the £50 she allocated for the dogs?, that way she can’t say she maintains them and has a ‘obligation’ or ‘right’ to see them. I know this would hurt her and no doubt she and her circle of friends would read into this, I wouldn’t do it simply to hurt her, I just need her to know that I am responsible now for these hairy brutes, and that her token £50 is not anything I want or need. As for the rest of it I run between giving it all back to her, or spending it on something ridiculous. Maybe I should donate it to an animal shelter. I just don’t want that envelope with money in my house or anywhere near me. It’s been almost 3 weeks since she’s texted and I know she will be in contact in the near future. So the clock is ticking on any decision I make. Do I use a magic 8 Ball?, try and find a crystal ball? or a helpful Gypsy?

Decisions, decisions. The last thing I have discovered? It sucks to be an adult!.
For now I enjoy the little things, and I wait for the next adult decision. There isn’t a manual or self help guide for this, what I do know is that life is far to short and wonderful to waste worrying about the impending doom of a text message or hastily scribbled note.

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Filed under March 2013

Adulting Sucks A$$

It’s 2.43am in the morning of Thursday 15th April 2016. I believe now that I am on the home strait of finally seeing the end goal of having somewhere new to live and to start the next chapter of my life.

The house has been sold, so I’m in the process of decluttering. I have been RUTHLESS!! which anyone who knows me, will understand how this is the exact opposite of how I am. I have found clearing ‘rubbish’ or deciding if I need to keep a box of VHS tapes or the floppy discs that I stumbled across very freeing.

Normally I detest change, avoid throwing things away, just in case in the pending Zombie apocalypse I might need that half used glue stick or the Gameboy SP. I think in some ways it has been as if I am clearing history, letting go off the acquired junk. Then I realised it wasn’t erasing history but ensuring that the path ahead is free from any clutter of the past relationship. Clutter….some memories or just possessions that we had gathered up together, possessions now we are apart either seemed laced with infectious irony or just meaningless material items that I no longer gain pleasure from.

I’ve watched my ex through this time sorting pictures and letters etc. she seems to have slowed down in her urgency to for a complete finality to us or defined end.

 

Declutter

Declutter

I’m throwing things away under the reasoning of
Have I looked for it?
Will I need to use it in the next two weeks?
Is it irreplaceable?
If the answers to these three questions were NO, then I happily tossed it out. I didn’t worry that someone else might need it, or in six months I might suddenly wake in a panic wondering where my roller skates from 1986 where????
(Side note. I would kill myself if I were to even contemplate skating let alone find a way to magically shrink my feet back to the size they were!)

Strangely I am looking forward to the challenges of creating my new home, colours, decorating, heck even housework knowing it’s my mess, my house, and taking care of it I am running scenarios in my head, which are no longer scary but actually optimistic and maybe evcen filled with a little hope.

By now I know you’re thinking so, you sound happy, things are progressing when’s the BUT coming?
The BUT, has the form of my furry family. I am owned and loved my five furry little gremlins, who make sure I don’t oversleep when they need out to bark at any pending danger, such as next doors cat washing herself. They make sure I know it’s time to eat, and in case I might forget they have an established ritual of jumping on my head, or barking at me to ensure I’m not asleep and that I know if they are not fed in the next thirty seconds they will pass away from starvation!
Cute-Puppies-Wallpaper
They are my comfort when it’s a bad pain day, my entertainment when a butterfly dive bombs them, and my fiercest , most loyal defenders, who create a fur wall between me and any impending threats. If you pass their sniffing test you might be allowed into the house, as for sitting too close to me, well that’s another story. They do however take their lead from me, they understand when I tell them someone’s ok, or a friend and safe to come into our domain. They also know when I use the ‘Mom’ voice that it’s time to listen.

They are tiny in stature, but in their minds they are mighty, ferocious beasts. They are my pride and absolute joy. Two of my little dudes are qualified and working therapy dogs. I cannot find the words to express how this proud this makes me, that these little guys trust me enough to share their amazing talents with other people. We work primarily with special needs kids, of all ages. The kids are stunned to see a dog arrive for class, they clamber for their turn to stroke or talk with the dog/dogs. Listening to a child with an incredibly debilitating speech impediment, read fluently to this furry little dude, who cocked his head to listen, who watched him intently but always without judgement. My little guy didn’t realise they were reading about ‘The Cat In The Hat’, he just believed they were telling him what an awesome little furry guy he was. My lil men, take their job seriously and happily accept having their nose cleaned by a helpful child when they sneeze, or wearing boxers on a visit because one of the kids was having issues wearing boxers and not his pull up nappy.westie My lil men listened to stories told in an indecipherable way to us silly adults, but in a way that made total sense to that little girl. I watched my little men, lean into the child,  as they showed them the pictures in their books. I watched as they could walk into a classroom and know instinctively which child needed them that day, whether it was a belly rub, or a lick to their hands just to let them know, it was go to be ok. I could type pages and pages retelling the funny stories and incredible miracles that I was privileged enough to witness.
In a radio interview, when I was asked to describe it, I told them ‘It’s just like watching real Harry Potter magic’ I just hold the leash, they do all the work.

My ex has decided that she wants to contribute to their food, vet bills etc In theory sounds great. In practice I believe it will toxic. Paying towards their various needs will allow her an excuse to come ‘visit’ them, spend time with them. She knows I won’t let them out of my sight so that would involve her knowing where I live and having a reason to call.
She couldn’t be bothered with them when she lived here, I truly don’t believe it will serve any good purpose to accept her money. I would prefer she didn’t help with their costs and just left them and I to get on with our journey.

Selfish? HELL Yeah!!! I don’t want the complication, the toxicity, the drama. I know in her own way she is fond of them. With her working full time she at least was sensible enough to agree they should be with me, as I’m home and have more time for them. Will I agree that she can come see them, in theory, probably. I truly believe that the notion or novelty of her seeing them will wear off and eventually fizzle out. The question is whether or not I can suck up my misgivings and fears to allow her to get bored with her ‘dog visits’ ?
It sucks being an adult! I hate that I am feeling bad for her in case she is missing the dogs, and I know I would be devastated if I had been kept from them. It would have been so much easier if I could just be a bitch and tell hadulter NO………..

I honestly don’t know what the outcome will be. Some days I can see clearly what I should do and other days I cannot see my hand in front of my face. I think it will be one of those decisions that I can’t make until its the only decision left to make.
Again being an adult is truly CRAP!

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Filed under March 2013